The Stories of Our Lives (Part Three)

This is part three in an ongoing series.
Part One: As The Story Turns
Part Two: I Don’t Have A Hallelujah

“And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.”
~ 1 Kings 19:12

You couldn’t hear clearly enough to make out what anyone was saying. But then, out of the bedlam, came a soft voice with such authority it caught the attention of everyone in the room.

That was the powerful moment I experienced while trying to process the loss of my husband to pancreatic cancer. Locked in my walk-in closet where I pray and study, God whispered.

Like a small child who didn’t get their way, and has cried themselves into complete exhaustion but continues to gulp and whine, I lay on that floor many, many days with my heart wailing in sorrow.

Yes, I was praying and reading my Bible, but grief doesn’t give way that easily. Nor was my broken heart willing to relent the pain so fast. I continued in obedience and found strength on God’s stabilizing platform, but how my heart ached.

And I admit, I wasn’t good at quieting the screaming thing. I let it roar because the screaming met a need to vent the pain.

God’s presence was there to cover me. He whispered words of comfort, of peace and love to my heart. I felt Him pouring strength over me, but way too many times, I turned my back. I wasn’t ready, or willing, to let go of my—okay, let’s be honest here—my bitterness.

The claws of my human nature dug into the pain with such unremitting anger that I couldn’t hear the voice that was calling to me.

While in my closet, during one of my few moments of quiet, I finally heard that beautiful voice whisper, “Do you want to stay here?“

It was the voice of my Papa God whispering into my wounded heart.

Father God was speaking to me. I had heard his loving whispered words, but now He was asking me a question.

And that question would require an answer.

I responded from my anger, “Yes, I want to stay right here!”

“Okay, Baby Girl. Stay there a little longer,” Papa God whispered. I knew He was there, always there, because I felt His loving presence.

My Father God asked me the same question several more times and got the same response. I wasn’t ready to move.

“I won’t let you fall. I think you’re ready, and I’m right here.”

But I couldn’t take that step.

Again, my Papa God asked, “Are you ready today?”

No … my pain was too profound. The bitterness too strong. Claws dug still deeper into my heart. How I wailed and mourned, but I couldn’t move.

It was as I rested from exhaustion in the loving blanket of my Papa God’s peace that I heard the question that took my breath.

“Do you believe I love you?”

The dagger that stabbed my already battered heart drove completely through. How could my Papa God ask me such a question?

“What do you mean? Yes, I believe you love me. I know you love me.”

The answer came from my head because I knew it was true. But that screaming heart of mine still rebelled.

“Bitterness is not a good thing,” my head told my stubborn heart. What a dichotomy, my head and my heart. Same body, such opposing positions.

When stuck in a place of grief, anxiety, or conflict, it can feel like being in a vat of thick gravy. You know the love of the Father is there, but pushing through the globs of pain to find it feels like an unfathomable task.

“If you know I love you, you must trust me. I want you to get up,” my Papa God whispered.

I was too comfortable in my wretched state.

“Are you listening to me? I want you to get up.”

Oh, that still, small voice.

I guess I wasn’t listening very well, because the Holy Spirit tugged at my heart to “listen” to the Father.

And in that way the Holy Spirit whispers the knowing, he revealed that the “get up” wasn’t a physical “get up” … it was a spiritual “get up”.

“Listen and understand,” God whispered.

The whispered love of God is as tangible as the touch from that one person you love most on this earth.

I had to shut up my screaming heart quick, fast, in a hurry. God wanted me to listen and understand what he was saying.

“Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”
~ Hebrews 3:15

Listen … isn’t that the hardest thing to do when we’re hurt and angry?

Listening from a place of pain and anger may mean the exposure of how wrong we are. I suppose that’s why anger never gets us anywhere.

Listening and getting up would not be easy. I had allowed myself to get nice and cozy in my despair and bitterness. But if I ever wanted to move forward, I had to do what Papa God was whispering to my heart He wanted me to do.

The easy thing would be for me to stay in my grief and give up. But Papa God was saying, “No, Baby Girl. I’m not done with you.”

Coming Next, Part Four: “Get Up, Girl”

Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go …”
~ Isaiah 30:21

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